I often joke that there is a certain amount of marriage counseling that goes with my job. Women tend to lean toward warm colors and men toward cool. Women tend to be more daring in their design choices in terms of lush linens, metallic tile and sparkle and men will choose more innovative structural ideas and expensive fixtures. When you’re the part of the renovation that’s the icing on the cake, you walk a fine line between finishing off a completed room so that it’s just perfect, and coming in at the end of a job when money is getting thinner and families are just tired of strangers being in their space.
Almost every guy in my first meeting approaches me with a certain level of caution: a mix of “How much is this going to cost me?” and “Just how nutty is this broad’s design sense?” On top of that, there has usually been some discussion about boundaries before I even step in the door; and I have to tease out what those parameters are because they are rarely handed to me. Most women will either have no idea what they want, or have a vision that is so specific that they are really not ready for compromise.
The biggest trouble that couples get into is that they are not really having the same argument. This happens to my husband and me all the time (though rarely about design as I have a pretty good idea of what he will, or will not go for). We have had two hour discussions of him problem solving and getting frustrated that I don’t like his solutions; while I am trying to tell him I need him to just listen and be compassionate. AND, we’ve had disagreements where I was full of “but you” and “well, I’m not fond of it when” and what he needed from me was “I had no idea you felt that way. I will never do that again.”
Here’s the most common conversations with a little interpretation behind them:
1.) “I don’t like purple.” “That looks like vomit.” “Red makes me uncomfortable.”
This usually means one part of the couple is seeing one of the underlying hues in a color. For instance, women tend to be drawn to more purple grays and at 5pm when we arrive home for dinner, the color of the light REALLY brings out the lavender in a grey. Similarly, I lean toward green golds and that green comes out at night. “That looks like vomit”= too much green as well. “That looks like excrement”= brown is too muddy and cool. “Red makes me uncomfortable”= I see too much blood imagery in this color. Please choose something more subtle.” It’s really all about finding the RIGHT grey, or gold, or brick, not choosing a different color entirely.
2.) “That color is too feminine.”
Let’s face it, Pink is NOT masculine. But turquoise? Yellow/gold? Sage? I have heard all these colors described as too feminine. This usually means that one member is starting to put back all the stuff the other person usually has in the room. The new color, coupled with the old style, is screaming,”Girl!” There needs to be reassurance that there will be masculine elements and that this is a new design.
3.) “It’s too Vegas.” “That is so Moulin Rouge.” “I don’t want my living room to feel like a circus.” “It looks like a cabin in the woods. It’s too rustic.” “Seriously, cow hide?”
These are all comments indicating one member of the team is uncomfortable with bold choices being made for certain objects in the room. What they are really saying is “I don’t see you adding any of ME in here. You do not care about my feelings.”
It is now time for the other member to step back and realize that changing a paint sheen or adding different textures to soften harder edges will go MILES with their partner. Sun yellow with a black suede couch and white and yellow damask pillows is one thing. Sun yellow with a chintz couch and a shabby chic rag rug is another.
It’s also the time to be honest: “Every time I open one of those fashion magazines the Stars have a cowhide footrest in the middle of a modern apartment. This has always been a symbol of wealth for me and I have wanted one my entire life. Please just give me this one thing.” Or “My aunt had a duvet cover with lilacs and she smelled of Old Lady. I cannot be romantic under that duvet. Period.” These are the thoughts we should be able to express, but we feel we’ll be judged by them. You’re with this other person for a reason. Be honest and hopefully they will listen.
4.) “Can we reel this in?” “I thought we were just picking a wall color!” “Why are we talking about blinds now?”
These comments are all indicators that a choice of color has gotten complicated. Maybe the couple is thinking about changing their couch and has a picture of a cool tan microfiber while we are looking at warm gold wall samples. Maybe they have just chosen a really cool Restoration Hardware type green and then indicated that they’ll be putting in warm maple flooring next month. Future purchases leading into color choices can really frustrate a team member who thought this was going to be a simple decision. It’s always best to go to the old house and see the furnishings that will stay before you see the new house and pick the colors. No one hates telling a couple that the new blinds they’ve chosen to go with their new flooring and granite countertops are going to look terrible with their giant sectional family room couch more than me. If color were always an easy thing, I wouldn’t have a job.
5.) Silence.
As I tell my husband, when I’m quiet, you know something’s wrong.
Usually (most of the time) silence means “I’m mad but I love you too much to argue in front of a stranger”, “I need time to process” or “I said no. You’re not listening.” This usually angers the other partner, but nine times out of ten, the silent one has shut down out of respect for the other person. They want to process in private, and discuss this with their partner only. Decisions made by the single partner during this time are almost always overturned at a later date. Not everyone processes at the same rate. It’s best not to rush it.
Rarely, this is a power play. It says “I want what I want and I will fume until I get it.” This is when I need to walk away. Volatility or anger like this is not healthy for anyone.
So, how do you prepare you and your partner for the fastest, easiest design meeting ever? Planning!
Have a game plan or an agenda, and agree not to waiver from it (but be prepared for surprise discussions). Understand that every item put back in a room effects a color choice, and don’t think it’s going to be a simple choice. Be prepared to have a second meeting. Don’t schedule a meeting right before a major party, sporting event, or another designer. Know your partner’s likes and don’t push buttons. Gentle ribbings can turn into very real hurts under the pressure of renovations. Have a safe word for when you are overwhelmed, need to process or really don’t feel like you and your designer or artist aren’t clicking. Set a time frame, and reference it accordingly. Follow up with an emailed synopsis of the meeting and what your expectations are. Let your partner edit it before you send it so you know you are on the same page. Don’t be afraid to ask for more options. There is rarely one color choice. And lastly, don’t poll your friends and neighbors. It’s your house. Own your decisions. Choose a design that makes your life together better and don’t listen to what the neighbors think.
Communicating prior to your design meeting and listening to your partners thoughts (and watching non-verbals) are the keys to all successful endeavors.
Almost every guy in my first meeting approaches me with a certain level of caution: a mix of “How much is this going to cost me?” and “Just how nutty is this broad’s design sense?” On top of that, there has usually been some discussion about boundaries before I even step in the door; and I have to tease out what those parameters are because they are rarely handed to me. Most women will either have no idea what they want, or have a vision that is so specific that they are really not ready for compromise.
The biggest trouble that couples get into is that they are not really having the same argument. This happens to my husband and me all the time (though rarely about design as I have a pretty good idea of what he will, or will not go for). We have had two hour discussions of him problem solving and getting frustrated that I don’t like his solutions; while I am trying to tell him I need him to just listen and be compassionate. AND, we’ve had disagreements where I was full of “but you” and “well, I’m not fond of it when” and what he needed from me was “I had no idea you felt that way. I will never do that again.”
Here’s the most common conversations with a little interpretation behind them:
1.) “I don’t like purple.” “That looks like vomit.” “Red makes me uncomfortable.”
This usually means one part of the couple is seeing one of the underlying hues in a color. For instance, women tend to be drawn to more purple grays and at 5pm when we arrive home for dinner, the color of the light REALLY brings out the lavender in a grey. Similarly, I lean toward green golds and that green comes out at night. “That looks like vomit”= too much green as well. “That looks like excrement”= brown is too muddy and cool. “Red makes me uncomfortable”= I see too much blood imagery in this color. Please choose something more subtle.” It’s really all about finding the RIGHT grey, or gold, or brick, not choosing a different color entirely.
2.) “That color is too feminine.”
Let’s face it, Pink is NOT masculine. But turquoise? Yellow/gold? Sage? I have heard all these colors described as too feminine. This usually means that one member is starting to put back all the stuff the other person usually has in the room. The new color, coupled with the old style, is screaming,”Girl!” There needs to be reassurance that there will be masculine elements and that this is a new design.
3.) “It’s too Vegas.” “That is so Moulin Rouge.” “I don’t want my living room to feel like a circus.” “It looks like a cabin in the woods. It’s too rustic.” “Seriously, cow hide?”
These are all comments indicating one member of the team is uncomfortable with bold choices being made for certain objects in the room. What they are really saying is “I don’t see you adding any of ME in here. You do not care about my feelings.”
It is now time for the other member to step back and realize that changing a paint sheen or adding different textures to soften harder edges will go MILES with their partner. Sun yellow with a black suede couch and white and yellow damask pillows is one thing. Sun yellow with a chintz couch and a shabby chic rag rug is another.
It’s also the time to be honest: “Every time I open one of those fashion magazines the Stars have a cowhide footrest in the middle of a modern apartment. This has always been a symbol of wealth for me and I have wanted one my entire life. Please just give me this one thing.” Or “My aunt had a duvet cover with lilacs and she smelled of Old Lady. I cannot be romantic under that duvet. Period.” These are the thoughts we should be able to express, but we feel we’ll be judged by them. You’re with this other person for a reason. Be honest and hopefully they will listen.
4.) “Can we reel this in?” “I thought we were just picking a wall color!” “Why are we talking about blinds now?”
These comments are all indicators that a choice of color has gotten complicated. Maybe the couple is thinking about changing their couch and has a picture of a cool tan microfiber while we are looking at warm gold wall samples. Maybe they have just chosen a really cool Restoration Hardware type green and then indicated that they’ll be putting in warm maple flooring next month. Future purchases leading into color choices can really frustrate a team member who thought this was going to be a simple decision. It’s always best to go to the old house and see the furnishings that will stay before you see the new house and pick the colors. No one hates telling a couple that the new blinds they’ve chosen to go with their new flooring and granite countertops are going to look terrible with their giant sectional family room couch more than me. If color were always an easy thing, I wouldn’t have a job.
5.) Silence.
As I tell my husband, when I’m quiet, you know something’s wrong.
Usually (most of the time) silence means “I’m mad but I love you too much to argue in front of a stranger”, “I need time to process” or “I said no. You’re not listening.” This usually angers the other partner, but nine times out of ten, the silent one has shut down out of respect for the other person. They want to process in private, and discuss this with their partner only. Decisions made by the single partner during this time are almost always overturned at a later date. Not everyone processes at the same rate. It’s best not to rush it.
Rarely, this is a power play. It says “I want what I want and I will fume until I get it.” This is when I need to walk away. Volatility or anger like this is not healthy for anyone.
So, how do you prepare you and your partner for the fastest, easiest design meeting ever? Planning!
Have a game plan or an agenda, and agree not to waiver from it (but be prepared for surprise discussions). Understand that every item put back in a room effects a color choice, and don’t think it’s going to be a simple choice. Be prepared to have a second meeting. Don’t schedule a meeting right before a major party, sporting event, or another designer. Know your partner’s likes and don’t push buttons. Gentle ribbings can turn into very real hurts under the pressure of renovations. Have a safe word for when you are overwhelmed, need to process or really don’t feel like you and your designer or artist aren’t clicking. Set a time frame, and reference it accordingly. Follow up with an emailed synopsis of the meeting and what your expectations are. Let your partner edit it before you send it so you know you are on the same page. Don’t be afraid to ask for more options. There is rarely one color choice. And lastly, don’t poll your friends and neighbors. It’s your house. Own your decisions. Choose a design that makes your life together better and don’t listen to what the neighbors think.
Communicating prior to your design meeting and listening to your partners thoughts (and watching non-verbals) are the keys to all successful endeavors.
RSS Feed